Friends I've Never Met

I'm a pretty reserved person. I'm pretty stubborn, and I'm pretty private, and most people can't tell because I've also got a pretty loud mouth and a tendency to steal the spotlight. Call it a shell, call it a front, call it what you like. That's just who I am.

Truth is, I project a pretty strong image. I think somewhere inside I AM pretty strong, but deep down I'm also pretty insecure. I'm sure that's the case with a lot of people. So I have many aquaintances, but very few close friends. I'm a great gal to hang out with until you start asking questions that I will not answer, talking about stuff that is mine only, trying to pry your way into a place that is marked PRIVATE.

I mostly think I'm a burden. I'm not easy to live with. I'm not an easy friend, either. I'll be there for you 200% until I just...disappear. Into the Eternal Haven. And that's a long story so I won't get into it. Suffice it to say that the friends that have hung around know that at any moment I might just drop off the face of the earth and resurface at an unpredictable time. They also know it's hard for them to be there for me, because I'm too stubborn to let them help. And those true friends understand that and somehow find a way to help anyway.

This is therefore a tribute to those people who endure me because they somehow find that all this aside I still contribute to their life in one way or another, and that it's worth the hassle to keep me around and help me out, and let me help when I can.

Funny thing is, some of these friends I have never met. They are people I trust with my life, they are people who are always there no matter what. They are people who seek me out when I've dropped off too long, who care about me and don't judge. I always go back to them on all fours, asking for forgiveness, and their answer never changes. This time, it went like this:

Dave: Chris!! I am agog! Are the last, what three months of your life on the net somewhere yet? I was going to ask if you live in two different universes and been in the other one a while.

Me: Oh, yes. I do. And I have been. Thought you knew that by now ;) I just keep disappearing...but I always come back hoping you don't hate me yet.

Dave: Pffff. Absence make the heart grow fonder.

And like that:

Don: what was wrong?

Me: Wrong, hm..had to retreat to the hole for a while. Had to rethink life and stuff. Still working on that. Phase one: deal with it anyway you can. Phase two: pretend you're fine. Phase three: actually pretend so well you believe it and stop working at making it better. Phase four: realize you haven't done shit in forever and feel like crap. Phase five: realize not doing shit has gotten you in trouble and doing other shit has gotten you in more trouble. Phase six: run away. Phase seven: say hi to Don and hope to god he doesn't hate you. Good 'nuff?

Don: Yep. No hate. Life's a waterfall.

So there you have it. No questions asked, other than what I've been up to. No matter what I've dropped. No matter what I missed. I'll be brought up to speed, and I'm right back to where I was before I succombed to the call of the hiding god.

Somehow, these guys know me better than most people I see every day. We've talked online, worked together, dreamed of plans, found a common goal. We don't think the same way, we have very different lives, but we respect each other because of those differences. We welcome the opportunity to debate and share, and disagree. Because we know that our arguments, ideas and opposing thoughts bring us closer to understanding. And in the end, we're really not that different. Or at least I like to think so.

They make me realize that I have a right to retreat. They make me understand that it's ok to take a break. They respect the way my brain operates, and my needs. I would never expect that from them, but they give it naturally, and without question. They are pillars. They are inspiration. They make me want to be better at everything.

Hopefully I give a bit of that back. They certainly deserve it.

Dave, Don, thanks for everything. I'll be down there this summer. I'll bring maple syrup whiskey and I'll finally get to hug two guys who've been much more to me than they'll ever know over the last few years.

And hell, I'll drink to that.